The pros have moving day, we have weeding day.  At the end of the season, the time comes to clean out the bag. The most important step in this process is the weeding out of the “bad” golf balls one has accumulated during the season. I don’t mean bad as in scuffed, dirty etc I mean bad as in: willful, disobedient, demonic.

My playing partners and I will choose an appropriate venue for this process, in our case a links style course that looks like three dozen bunkers dumped into a lake. If they have a fairway on this course we’ve never seen it. Nice greens though.

The process proceeds as follows. We begin on the first tee, clever eh? Anyway the rules are: if your ball goes astray you DO NOT go look for it. You may hit another, and another, or if pressed from behind take a drop (not likely, the members here play only in full moonlight). It is an effective method for determining a ball's loyalty. We got this idea from an account of the Salem Witch Trials. Works as good as can be expected.

As I write this it is dark outside and I’m imagining all those bad balls I hit today who for whatever willful, spiteful reason would not fly true. Tonight they lie in deep water, cold and alone. Well deserved I say. Or perhaps tucked up under the reeds, sitting in duck #@!$ waiting for some fool to come along and find them. I admit I have been that foolish but no more and I suggest that you avoid the temptation as well. So what if it’s a Pro V1, with barely a mark on it? It is a bad ball. It is a lost ball. If it were a good ball it would still be in it’s owner’s possession. So don’t pick it up my friend, leave it lie and you’ll be doing yourself a great favor.

And don’t assume that bad balls can be made good, trust me- they can’t. It’s in their genes, their core. They’ll never change- not even an intervention can change them.

How can you tell a bad ball from a good one before you buy them? I’m sorry, it hurts to tell you this but the sad truth is, you can’t. They all look alike.

We’ve approached the manufacturers about this, suggesting they identify these miscreants and apply an identifying mark to them (perhaps 666) but they say “Can’t be done.”.  Actually they say “#@!$ off, idiot.” But the result is the same- there is no way to tell before-hand a bad ball from a good ball.

So, one must hit the damn thing first and then it becomes painfully clear whether a ball has satan as it’s mentor or not.

Satan is a bit of an overdo you say? How about this. Bad balls influence good balls but good balls cannot influence a bad ball.

How many times have you been playing what has appeared to you to be a good ball only to have it go suddenly, horribly bad, veering off on a tangent of it’s own, oblivious to your carefully executed shot and your impressive application of the skills you’ve honed over the years. You know full well it’s not you that has caused this errant flyer, no-- and up until then the ball you were playing had behaved just fine.

Think about it, you put that ball in your pocket at some point and while there, alongside another, a bad ball, the deed was done and your good ball turned to the dark side. Or perhaps during the night before your round there were whispers and suggestions, offers made. And during the round, trusting in your good ball, you were sabotaged as it succumbed to the temptations and left you in mid-round.

Well, it’s done, The bag is clean, the balls weeded and we have imbibed the last of the Famous Grouse. If the weather holds we’ll play again next week, hopefully with nothing but good balls in the bag. Unless……

Later

November in Utah and we have 60 degree weather on tap.

I'm out at noon tomorrow and really can't believe the way this weather is going. It's funny, the office has been suspiciously empty the past few weeks, we have more than our share of golfers. A lot of sick days being called in. Luckily I have a vendor in town who plays, so we'll do a "business meeting" and be all good.

The course we're playing looks like a pond filled with bunkers. I'm bringing all my hashed balls- should help clean out the bag for the winter. Went to the range today and cannot! hit driver! So, I'll accept this sorry state with good humor and pull the three wood most of the day tomorrow unless it too has taken a dive in which case I'll forge ahead with the five wood, Adams- I have never hit a bad shot with that club off the tee. Do NOT know why??

Did a big oops, according to one daughter who looooves Phil Mickelson. I don't like him much and I posted to that effect on a forum- she says I'll probably get booted off if I don't get lynched, everybody looooves Phil. Ha!

Here's a plan. I'm 62 just- and I play with an eclectic mix of clubs I've gathered over the years. Nike, Adams, knock-offs-- you name it. I figure I need to buy a real honest to God set before I croak. They should last a player like me a good twenty years and the way I live I''m not planning on being around that long.

So- during the winter I'm gonna start checking into clubs. I like the Adams clubs I have so I'll start there and I also plan to use the golf mags "Best of" ratings to guide me in my search. Not to mention the opinions expresssed on these forums we have right here. I figure by spring I ought to have a clue and a nice set of clubs to go with it. My only trepidation is what if they suck after a while? I don't have the time or money to buy another set in a couple of years- maybe I'll try demo'ing a few first. So there I am, a plan in place and good to go.

Later

The day went well.

We played Talon’s Cove on the western shore of Utah lake. Nice course, has what they like to call a “links” design although I think that probably wouldn’t impress a UK golfer.  Plenty of bunkers though.

Here’s a conundrum (I think).

The first sand I hit into was a fairway bunker on a par 5 about 250 yards from the green.  Low lip so I take a 5 iron and fat chunk it about ten yards- so much for execution!! A few holes later I bring all my considerable golf skills to bear and pick a bunker shot perfectly clean with a wedge- hitting it a good fifty yards. Not bad you say- what's the problem? Yeah- but that last bunker was greenside! Gaaa!

OK so now we’re into November, still golfing. No weekend action-  too much work-related stuff to deal with and leaves to rake- so I gotta wait until mid-week.

Forecast says sunny in the low 50’s next week- we can only hope. I will propitiate the appropriate golf gods- (mine like scotch) and hope for the best.

Still learning this game so I’m not sure. How many golf gods are there?

I know there’s the weather god, and "the wife’s in a good mood god", the putting god, the driving god etc etc. Must be hundreds of them!

These days my favorite god is the cell phone god. I turn mine off during a round and when I turn it back on there are usually twenty messages from the office. The best days are when this god smiles and I have two messages, both from my wife: one asking me how my round went and the other if I'll take her to dinner.

Later

It's getting down to the wire. So far my playing partners and I have dodged rain, hail, and snow storms  managing to squeeze in six rounds in the last six weeks. Tomorrow will be number seven and the skies look clear. The longer we can play the less likely that we'll have to pack up and head for warmer climes.

The problem with traveling to golf is that most of us work for a living and that makes for some difficult decisions- paycheck or golf? Not easy and getting harder.

I  was running out of excuses until a happy accident brightened my golf world considerably. In the Spring I had a brief encounter with a taxi while jay walking to work. It resulted in a minor back injury and at the time I thought it was a dirty trick since it screwed up about three weeks of golf but there was a bright side- my doctor prescribed a weekly therapy session.

I handed off the Dr's note to HR and was given time off every Thursday to get tuned up. But, like I said after about three weeks I was feeling much improved. However... funny thing, the Dr's note didn't specify a time limit. So...... I just kept going to "therapy" only now it's 18 holes with my pals. It's getting to be so ingrained in the office routine that no one will schedule a meeting for me on Thursday's, "...it's his therapy day". People are really considerate that way, God love 'em.

Unfortunately, my wife is a little upset at this, considers it to be dishonest. I point out that I put in more than 50 hours a week and there's no  reason I shouldn't be allowed to flex the time a little.  The fact that most of the execs are too narrow minded to recognize the value golf has in raising productivity- particularly mine- is one of those Dilbert kind of blindspots.

Although, she could be right, and it could be causing her some distress as well. That might eventually cause us some marital issues. Hmmmm?

Fortunately we have a marital counseling program available through work so.... if my back therapy should have to end I can always sign up for "marital counseling" every Thursday- that ought to get me through the winter. I think they even offer marital "retreats" - no reason they couldn't be in Palm Springs or San Diego?

Later

OK, so here's the deal. I am a bad golfer. No brag, just fact. And I know that there are a few of us out there so I figure what the heck. I'll share.

I  began the year with a 32.2 handicap (I mean really, why bother?) and I am proud to say I'm down to a 28.4. Primarily because I played more this year than all the other years combined. Duh. Playing more means more improvement, what a novel idea! Also- I took four lessons this season from a very good pro. Fourteen years ago whenI first trotted onto the field er.... course I'd had two lessons. This enabled me to join some friends for a golf "outing" sponsored by the company we worked for. If you want an idea of how that went feel  free to check out the story I wrote in Chicken Soup for the Golfer's Soul called Brush, Brush. No lie, that was my first experience at golf. That story was actually written for a contest related to the Shivas Irons Society, I never intended it to get beyond their web page but hey the Chicken Soup folk offered money!

I like to write- I don't consider myself a writer, I'm too damn lazy to work at it as a craft but it's a good hobby and a blog seems to be the way to go these days for everyone on the planet.

 I tell people I've been playing golf for six years. I figured, if you only get out twice a year that doesn't count as playing golf, that's just socializing. Now that I'm playing almost weekly I see real improvement. Fewer blow-up holes and the occasional well-played hole. Like yesterday, I chipped in from about twenty yards for a par. Whoo_whee!! That's only my second chip-in and it feels good!! I could get used to that. Funny, the next hole was my blow-up hole for the day; triple-bogey. Why does that always happen? I mean I wasn't being cocky honest.

Last year I played the mens league as a regular after having played as a subsititute for several years. What a blast and what a group. I'll share a few tales from that world later on. I think this league has been around about 40 years, believe me- there are some real characters in the bunch and from what others have told me about their leagues these guys are unique. 

Later